queerasglee | "You're my best friend."

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"You're my best friend."

Who: Andrew Pearson and Lilah Ryckaert
What: BFFs hanging out
Where: Andrew's apartment, Pittsburgh
When: A few days after the crash

Andrew was, gratefully, at the end of another long shift but this time he didn't feel like he wanted to go home and pass out straight away. When Lilah texted him to ask if he was doing anything after work, he happily agreed they should hang out. It had been far too long. He wasn't interested in drinking or clubbing, though. Sometimes they would frequent Babylon together, even if she was female, she still could appreciate the fine art of a gorgeous half-naked gay body. Who couldn't? Plus, she took it upon herself to make it her job to get Andy hooked up, because it had been a long time since he had. His last lover, Daniel, had to move back to New York to take a job he couldn't pass up and their relationship didn't survive the distance. They were still close, but it came to its natural end. They had a friends with benefits thing now if they were in the same place at the same time.

He was dressed right down in sweats and a tank, bare-feet and his hair lightly tussled after a shower when he got home fro work. He carried a couple of sodas and a large bowl of popcorn through to his living room and handed it to Lilah, who was scrolling through the movie options on TV. They lived in the same apartment block, so it was weird they didn't hang out as much as they should, but they both worked ridiculous hours and it was hard to find the time lately. "I just want my fucking car back," he lamenting, slightly huffy. He knew it had been an accident, but walking to and from work was getting tiresome.

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"It was a hell of a rush until I nearly killed myself," Andrew corrected, giving a wry scratch to his temple. "I paid the price and it's not something I would ever wish on anyone. But I guess in a way it's why I identified with Blaine. Not that our situations were in any way alike, but we were a similar age. I knew what it was like trying to recover from a trauma when you're a teenager. That hell of rehab and being isolated, relying on others for literally everything. It took a long time for me to get back on my feet, and now I have to be careful with everything because I don't have a spleen, so infections can jump on me like nothing else. Unlike me, though, Blaine was an innocent victim. He did nothing to deserve what happened and he's done nothing to be stifled the way he has. I feel for the kid. Shit like that changes you. Sometimes for the better like it did me, but without the support I had, it could have changed - could still change - Blaine for the worse. It's such a fine line. And no, it's not home. Home is here for now, but it's still lonely."

He wriggled down even more into the chair, letting himself relax. "Blaine sings his praises, but there's been something Blaine has connected with him over. Maybe the kid had issues coming out too, who knows? It doesn't matter. I think Michael seeing his kid with a boyfriend has really hit home. I mean, after the fight they had that led to the accident, Blaine ran to the boyfriend. He didn't stick around to try and fix things, I think that was a wake-up call too. And maybe it does scare him, but that's my whole fucking point. He needs to get his head out of his ass and put his kid above his needs and feelings. That's the whole issue. If he is scared, so what? I guarantee, Blaine is a hundred times scared of things. He needs to quit this little crusade he is on trying to protect Blaine, but in ways that are only damaging him. I'm no threat, and it's fucked in the head he thinks I am, because I just want the same thing he does. For his kid to be well and safe."

"You're very lucky that you didn't... I know you know that. But the fact is, I'm very lucky that you didn't, too. And, in the long run, so is Blaine. It's incredible, when you think about it, how many lives would be different if one person hadn't lived, or had died too young." Shaking her head, she tore herself out of her somewhat morbid thoughts to listen while Andy explained his connection to Blaine. It was true. The boy wasn't just any patient to either of them. They were both rooting for him, above and beyond the way they would root for any random patient. Blaine was a sweetheart, a lovable kid with a heart of gold. And there was something about a kid like him that neither of them could help caring for and hoping the best for. "I have my fingers crossed for that kid... That he could come out on the other side okay. I think he will if Michael really and truly does the right thing here and steps it up on the parenting front."

Shifting to the other end of the sofa, so she could put her feet out in front of her and still face Andy, Lilah was grateful to see Andy seeming to settle in a bit more. "Well, I really hope it works out for them. God knows the boy deserves a little happiness along the way. And if this helps wake Michael up from treating Blaine like a little kid who's supposed to do exactly what his dad wants all the time, then all the better. Honestly, Michael might need to be scared a little, because if he doesn't let up, there's something to be scared of. He will lose him... But it's not fair to take it out on you."

"The circle of life and all that. The whole sliding doors concept. Where Gwyneth was hot in one half the movie and looked like a wreck in the other. The movie sort of sucked in general, but the concept is powerful when you stop to think about it. One moment where you do something different, step out of what you would normally, can change everything. I just hope they're not a lost cause. Michael seemed responsive by the end, but that doesn't mean he will ultimately use the help. He seems to like defying people. I don't know," Andrew said wryly.

He just raised his eyebrows with a shrug. "I'm not entirely convinced it's that easy. I don't know why. Maybe because the guy has lived with with these hangs ups for so long that I'm not buying he's just going to move on from them. Sure, he can, if he seriously focuses on Blaine and enjoys this time with him. Enjoys the notion of his son experiencing all these firsts and growing up into a man. I hope he can respect the fact, too, that Blaine's not like other kids his age. He's not running around doing drugs, sleeping around, trying prove himself. Because he seriously could have. The kid could have been a completely rebellious mess after he got better. Sure, he took to thumping a punching bag on the regular, but luckily the anger didn't make him want to thump other kids as some sort of misguided payback for what he went through. He has nearly lost his kid three times now. The beating, the suicide attempt, and then Blaine almost giving up on their relationship. You would think three strikes would seriously make him wake up, right? He needs too pause and see that in all this deluded fear of doing shit to protect the kid, he's been the most damaging to him."

"Never saw that movie, but I know the concept anyway. Gwyneth never did anything for me, though. My movie star eyes are far more fixed on the likes of Keira Knightley... And Mila Kunis. But you're right. One split second choice can change everything for so many people. The whole It's a Wonderful Life concept of what if you weren't there for an event, how would it have gone differently." Lilah couldn't help the small smile on her face as she turned to Andy in amusement. "He likes defying people? Maybe you two have more in common than either of you realized."

"I don't know either," she confessed, rolling her eyes at the screen when yet another gay porn scene ended in a facial that the guy on the receiving end just never looked quite as thrilled about as one might have expected from what was supposed to look like the most awesome thing ever. "Seriously, TV porn is horrible. We need to break out your DVDs next time... But yeah... I wish I could say I was just sure as the world that Michael was going to end up stepping back and seeing what he's done to Blaine along the way. And not just seeing and recognizing it, but actually doing something to change it. But I can't say that. Not for sure." She met Andy's gaze, shaking her head just that little bit. "It's common, really. I see it a lot. Parents trying so hard to protect their children that they end up stunting them... Keeping them from growing and holding them back from the lives they really should be living. It's a sad thing to see."

Andrew shrugged. "It was okay. Abi made me watch it, and I don't mind John Hannah. He's a pretty cool actor, and he was good in this. Dude made Monty Python references, so it made him even more cooler. It's a move that gets you thinking, and sort of makes you stop and wonder in life sometimes when it feels like everything is running in the wrong direction. Like, what if I didn't make that green light and got stuck at the red for five more minutes? Like, seriously, if that was the case, I wouldn't have been rear-ended on the way home from work and I wouldn't have bumped into Michael again to the point he probably thought I was stalking him or something." He scrunched his nose up. "Yeah, but I defy people when I believe in something or know I'm right. He just seems to argue for the fuck of it. His kid tells him he's gay, Michael's all 'Fuck no, you're straight and you'll like it!' I try to tell him Blaine needs help and suggest we sit down and talk about it, the guy is just 'Fuck no, fuck off, I know what's best, not you'. I'v gotten to the point where I just cannot be assed fighting that."

He put his beer to his lips and watched the screen without really taking much notice of what was being shown there. Porn was more fun to watch with company, and not having company was part of his whole problem here. At least, company that wasn't a lesbian. "This isn't just stunting, it's completely screwing with Blaine's mental functioning. The sad part is, if the dude's husband was still alive, I'd put money on the fact he would be utterly horrified with how Michael was raising Blaine through his teens. The dude died of HIV. He suffered to be exactly who he was, sexuality and all. It's like a smack in the face to the dead husband not letting their kid be himself, no matter how scared or protective the guy wants to be. If I was in his shoes and raising a kid on my own after losing a partner, I'd want to be doing all I could to instil all the amazing qualities and traits of them into the kid to preserve the legacy."

"I guess the question you have to ask yourself is whether things really happen for a reason, or if it's all just random circumstance. And if things happen for a reason, then maybe there's a reason that you keep running into Michael. I know you don't want to fight him on things anymore, and honestly, I can't blame you there, babe. But maybe something you've said in all this will get through to him now that he's got some time to think." At least, Lilah certainly hoped so. This whole thing with Blaine putting in all the hard work to become more comfortable in his own skin and overcome his depression was a bigger struggle when the hard work was completely being negated every single time he talked to his father. "I know what you mean, though. It has to get tiring fighting that all the time... If it's that big of a pain in the ass for you, imagine what it's like for Blaine. It breaks my heart for the kid."

"It's ridiculous. I've never seen a gay parent make being gay so damn hard on their kid. And I'm with you on that. It seems like Michael's still struggling so much with the loss of his husband after more than a decade, but he's not doing anything to help himself, and instead, he's just heaping all these fears and insecurities on Blaine. The best damn thing he could do for his husband's memory would be to give Blaine a chance to be the person he really is. But instead, he's using the loss of his husband as an excuse to be an overbearing father, and failing Blaine." Pausing, she fell silent for a moment before taking a swig of her own drink. "Maybe what Michael really needs is a good lay."

Edited 2012-10-30 01:34 (UTC)

Andrew snorted and shook his head. "I don't have to ask myself that at all, love. If I honestly believed shit happened for a reason, I would have to believe that Blaine got bashed for a reason, that his other dad got HIV for a reason, that most of my patients had a reason for dying of cancer, or car accidents, or child abuse, or untreatable illness. I'm a doctor. I can't think everything happens for reasons, or I would literally go mental wondering why all these people deserve what they get. Random circumstance. That's all it is. That's what life is. It's a series of random circumstance that is built on people being in wrong places at wrong times, and sometimes, bad shit just happening to good people. The reason I keep bumping into him is because we live in the same town. End of story. And I know. I am more than aware how tough this is for the kid. I see it in his eyes. I'm the one treating him for the stress responses, listening to him talk and hearing how all over the place with him. Poor kid doesn't know where the hell he belongs."

He scratched at the back of his head tiredly. "Even so, he's gotta stop taking it out on his kid. Whatever grief he is still dealing with or whatever unresolved issues he's got clogging up his thought process, Blaine cannot be the scapegoat for that anymore. It's taken it's toll. The kid nearly suicided over it. Enough is enough. It's not Blaine's fault the dude died of HIV for a bad fuck in the past, and it's not my fault either. Maybe he does need a really good lay, but with the giant bug he has lodged up his ass about absolutely fucking everything, no dude is going to have a chance to pull that off."

"Fair enough," she finally replied, figuring now was as good a time as any to stop pressing the subject, at least for now. It was clearly bugging Andy on a lot of different levels, but Lilah made a concerted effort not to psychoanalyze him. It was a bit of a running joke between them, and sometimes she honest to God couldn't help it. Her therapist brain kicked in, and there was nothing she could do but to just accept it and go with it. However, it was never her intention. Being a therapist was her job. Not something that she ever meant to use to get information from her friends. "Just because things happen for a reason doesn't mean that the people they happen to deserve them," Lilah countered, resting her head against the back of the sofa. "But I do get your point. And I know it's not really up to you to go in and change Blaine's dad's mind. I just hope that, on some level, he's listened to you, and he decides to give therapy a chance or something like that. Because I know he doesn't want to hurt Blaine... To the contrary, he wants to save him from all the hurt ever, but he's going about it completely the wrong way. Either way, Blaine needs his dad, and he needs him to be on the same page. Blaine's one of those kids that... you just know deep down that he could make it and be just fine if things would settle for him a little bit, and if he had the right support system."

Using the hair tie on her wrist, Lilah sat up a little straighter and pulled her hair up into a messy ponytail. It was a bit all over the place, but she couldn't be bothered with having perfect hair for a BFF date night. It wasn't like it was going to bother Andrew. "No doubt about that," she agreed. "You're absolutely right. It's no one's fault except, unfortunately, the other dad's, and whoever it was he slept with, for not being safe and using protection. And I think in a way that makes it harder, because the only place to lay blame is the person that you're missing. Either way, it's pretty clear that he's not letting many people get through to him, if any. I just hope he listened to some of what you had to say at some point."

Andrew shook his head. "Very few people in this world deserve bad things to happen to them. But when bad things do, it's my job... our job... to try and fix them and put them back to as much normal as possible. Sometimes, it's actually impossible and I think this is one of those times. I don't think there is a normal for this family to go back to, not after what Blaine went through. I think after what happened, they had some weird niche where Blaine just woke up each day and went through the motions and his dad went along with it because then he didn't have more to worry about, but I don't think it's a normal that was healthy. They need to find a new way, and I wish I could help. I don't even know why I want to help," he confessed, throwing a hand up and letting it drop heavily back onto his thigh.

He sighed, scrunching his nose up and pulling his mouth to the side. He didn't say anything more yet but he eventually looked over at her, taking a long swing from his bottle to finish it off. "Alright, go. Psychoanalyse me, and him, and the situation. I know you want to. You're doing that psychologist passive-aggressive thing. But just so you know, I'm reserving my judgement and I also reserve the right to object and not listen to your analysis. I promise I won't get pissed off with what you say, because honestly, I'm willing to at least consider all sides of everything for Blaine's sake. Do you think I'm too personally invested and should just step back? I don't know why this particular case or this particular kid is sticking with me, but he is. It's just turning out to be one of the hardest to deal with in the history of my entire career, and that is saying something, because I've had some beauties being an ER doctor. Do you think I should just pull my nose out of it and leave them be?"

There was no arguing with that as far as Lilah was concerned. Bad shit happened to good people all the time. It was very rare for someone to be hurt the way that Blaine was, or lose a loved one, and there to be even a niggle of a thought that maybe they deserved it. But this case was so getting to Andy, and Lilah didn't know how best to handle this particular situation. "I have to agree with you there. They have a sort of 'norm' so to speak, but it's not a norm that they need to go back to. I'm not really sure I know who you want to help more... Blaine or his father. Or maybe really an even mix of the both of them. I know that you connect with Blaine, but there's just... This isn't usually you, Andy. You're usually on it like a boss with the professional distance and only doing your job. This is something different. I can't remember the last time I saw you this emotionally invested in any one patient."

Lilah didn't immediately jump right on the bandwagon of phsychoanalysis. Instead, she sat quiet for a few moments, taking in everything that Andy had said about things up until this point. Pausing, she had to smile just a little at him. "Hey... You know usually the therapist is supposed to be the one asking all the questions. Get it right, Andrew!" She was only teasing, though, and she let his words sink in as she sat there. "I think the answer to that question is dependent on who you're asking. Are you asking me as a colleague, a therapist, or a friend? Because as a colleague in a medical career, I would say yes, absolutely, Andrew, you need to step back and let them have it. As a therapist, I'd be more concerned with your finding out what it is that's drawn you to them and their situation as opposed to any other trauma patient you've dealt with in the past. We'd need to dig a lot deeper into where this is all coming from. But as your friend? Andy, I know you. And your heart is in this, whether you wanted it to be or not. And there's not really anything you can do about that at this point but just follow it. I know that it's not what the ordinary advice would be, but ordinarily, it's not my best friend I'm analyzing. I know you too well to just expect that you'd back down from something like this once it has hold of you."

"Blaine," Andrew replied firmly with a glance at her. "You need to remember that he is the reason I'm involved at all. But for Blaine to be helped, the father needs to be helped. The guy was just off the railings with his tactics of how to protect the kid. I think - hope - he's going to listen to me now and try to see where he was going wrong, but there's no guarantee. For all I know, he's back there thinking I'm some young punk doctor barely out of med school and hiding my acne, and can't possibly know what's best for a teenager because I don't have kids of my own. But he wouldn't even still have a kid if it wasn't for me, and sometimes saving a kid's life isn't just physical of keeping their heart beating and their lungs pumping air. Sometimes, it's about helping them psychologically, as you know, and Blaine's been so fucked in the head that he needs all the people around him he loves to build a firm foundation that he knows isn't going to crumble beneath him like his world has in the past. And the his father is right in the centre of all of that. His father is the one Blaine wants and needs to be okay with who he is. Maybe this is something different, but it's not like any other case I've dealt with. I'm not straight myself, so maybe that's why. I don't know. But Blaine is the one I'm trying to help. Michael is a grown-up and capable of helping himself. He just has to want it."

He fell quiet as he listened to her, and gave her a wry glance along with an eyeroll when she proceeded to fence-sit and not really give him a straight answer on anything. "You don't even know how to psyho-analyse this situation. Just admit it. Don't give me a bunch of flowery crap about being my friend and therapist and colleague. Because you're not my therapist, and never will be, and you're only a secondary colleague. This whole thing is just as confusing to me as it is to you and your psycho-analysis was piss-weak. I could have told you my heart was in it the minute that kid was wheeled into my resus on a blood-soaked gurney."

Lilah nodded to Andrew. It made perfect sense. He was a doctor. Helping people was just a part of him, a huge part of him that he'd never fully escape, nor would he want to. If not for the fact that both of them wanted to help people, they might never have made the connection that eventually led to being best friends. "It's sort of one of those can't have one without the other situations, which just makes it that much more difficult to break down into simple terms. Blaine's a special kid. One of the best kids I've met in my job. I have a lot of 'problem kids.' The ones whose parents bring them there because they're totally out of line and they have to do something before the kid ends up in juvie or worse... Kids who act out, do things to hurt other people... And here's Blaine... This precious sweetheart of a kid with a heart of gold that just makes you wish you could take him home and protect him yourself. And of all the things, to be told by your gay father that you need to stop being gay? How the hell is the kid supposed to live with that? But that's beating a dead horse at this point. We both know that. We know that Blaine is in a shitty situation because his father's being stubborn. But you're more than attached to Blaine, there's no question about that. And maybe he's found in you what he can't find in his dad right now... And hasn't really been able to find in his dad's gay friends because Michael's probably blocked all their attempts at it... a gay man who's older than him, at a successful place in his life, and supportive of his choices. He doesn't just see you as a doctor, or he wouldn't tell you things like the fact that he got his first kiss and his first boyfriend. That would have nothing to do with being a doctor, and everything to do with being a person he trusts."

"I'm not saying that I'm your therapist, Andy," she huffed back at him. "I'm saying that I look at things one way when I'm in therapist brain, and the other two are different. But you're right. This particular situation isn't as easy as just putting some kind of label on it, telling you to do it a certain way, and moving on. It's confusing for me, yes, and I can't look at it objectively, because it's my friend in question, and a kid who has come to mean a lot to me, too. So yeah. You're right. I don't even know where to start with this one."

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"You're my best friend."

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