"Because I got high."

[rockstarwarbler]

Who: Blaine Anderson and Noah Puckerman
What: That hilarious moment where Puck wants to see Blaine high
Where: Blaine's bedroom, Pittsburgh
When: Post the failed benefit concert in Glee 2x17

Blaine was sitting cross-legged in the middle of his bed wearing a neon pink feather boa and a pair of Superman boxers on his head. He had no shirt on and was wearing his Buzz Lightyear pyjamas as he took another drag from the joint Puck passed him, and then immediately broke into another giggling fit. He was laughing so hard he was snorting and leaned forward to rest his forehead on the top of his bed. "Doesn't even matter! I'm gonna get a magic carpet like Laldaddin and FLY all the way to Kurt and tell him I love him!" he declared, flipping his head back up with another snort of laughter. "And it's gonna be PINK! I LOVE PINK!"

His hand dove into the large bowl of candy sitting beside him and he stuffed the whole handful into his mouth. Puck had just confiscated his cell phone after realising Blaine was stone-texting Kurt. So far, Kurt had responded. But now, Blaine was planning alternative methods of communication after deciding carrier pigeons wouldn't work in case the bird crapped on Kurt's beautiful clothes. Blaine didn't want to die, so he couldn't risk that. Puck had come over after chatting online to Blaine and listening to Blaine colourfully and passionately abuse Karofsky, and telling Puck how much he didn't need Santana Lopez fighting his battles because he was a fighter himself. It was the first hint Puck got of Blaine's concealed past. Blaine was a boxer, though when Puck tried get more details, all he got in response was "I'M HOTTER THAN ROCKY!"

But yes, Puck wanted to see Blaine high and what better time to slip him a little weed when Blaine was peeved about Santana and Karofksy? Blaine's dad wasn't home, instead being out somewhere with his friends, so this was a perfect time.

Comments

[rockstarwarbler]

Blaine puffed his cheeks out as continued to just lie there. There was no way he would be able to coordinate himself to sit up, let alone move. By now, the weed had completely gone to his head, and it had happened extremely fast. It was the first time he had ever had weed and gotten high. If his dad came home right now, Blaine would probably find the whole thing hilarious, but his dad would probably freak and do that thing where he gets all squeaky when he yells, which would also be hilarious to Blaine if it happened. It would only lead to one big mess, and Blaine wasn't completely convinced he wouldn't spew all over the place if he moved too much right now. His head was spinning epically and he had little flashy lights in his peripheral vision. Plus, his nose was running and he really felt like tacos. "Dude, I don't like boobs... not even one boob. Isn't a boobologist the dude who cuts your boobs off when you wanna be a dude? Does that mean the dude who gives you a dick if you're a girl and wanna be a dude a dickologist? Or cockologist? Pahahahahahahahahahaha! Cockologist!"

He gave a shrug of his shoulder. "I dunno, dude. I could hardly see when I woke up. It was all blurry and shit. Plus, if someone's wiping your butt for you? You kinda don't want 'em to be hot, y'know? I mean, it's your butt. And I don't like chicks. Dude. I don't like chicks, you gotta remember that, k? I like Kurt, and I don't want Kurt wiping my butt. He can touch it, but no wiping it because that's really not sexy and I want him to think I'm sexy!"

"I like dicks," was Blaine's matter-of-fact response to that. It was like gospel in his mind. "I can't wait to see Kurt's dick. I bet it's so cool. Not even like a dicknugget. Kurt wouldn't having a dicknugget. Or be one. He's, like, the most amazing person ever. I kissed him. I kiss him and oh my god, it was so awesome. I didn't even wet myself that time."

[alloriginalgradeabadass]

"One boob would look weird," Puck reasoned, holding up a finger in a very philosophical pose (or at least so he thought). He needed to get up out of the floor, but it was such a nice floor. "No... the boobologist is the one who makes sure that your boobs are... boobtacular or whatever... I mean... Not your boobs... You don't have boobs! BOOOOOOBS! Boobs are great, though, dude. I mean, you don't gotta like 'em, because you're the coolest dude ever, even if you don't like boobs. But I love boobs. I wanna like... collect boobs. Only not like that creepy dude who collected people's eyes in that movie I tried to make you watch before you barfed... COCKOLOGIST! Dude... I thought that was the dude who collected the sperm when they make dudes jizz in a cup to have babies and shit." That made perfect sense, though. "But dude, why would a cockologist give you a cock, if a boobologist cut off your boobs?"

"Why couldn't you see?" he asked, his brain trying to remember exactly why Blaine had been in the hospital in the first place. Had Blaine already told him? No... He would've remembered that, right? "You can see now! You didn't go blind like that chick from Little House on the Prairie! You can see... I know. I know you don't like chicks. You like dudes and Kurt's a dude... Only sometimes he acts like a chick, but he's a dude. A dude and you like him... A bunch! I think he already thinks you're sexy..." He paused for only a moment before bursting into song, "IFFFF you like my body ANDDDDDDDDDDDDD you think I'm sexy... Fuck, how's it go?"

"Yeah. I know... I only like my own dick, but that's okay... I like Kurt, though. He's cool... I wish you and him could be boyfriends forever... Or... Dude, what if you could get married?! You should get married... And then you could like... Adopt babies and be gay dads like Rachel has... Only you're not black or Jewish. But that's okay! You don't have to be! You can still have gay dad powers and stuff... Powers? Do gay dads have powers? Dude, if you wet yourself while kissing Kurt, that would be really really fail."

[rockstarwarbler]

Blaine just shrugged again. "Dude, I dunno anything about boobs ever. But I do know some chick would look way weird if she had more than too, so why would anyone wanna collect 'em? That would be, like, a dude having eight dicks."

"'cause I had, like... this huge brain injury. It was totally bad shit and everything. They said I shoulda died, but I didn't. I showed those fuckers and I lived right when they didn't want me to," he declared with a dismissive snort and a flick of his fingers like he was batting away an imaginary annoying bug. "I dunno if I should even be smoking weed with my pills, but sucked in, I am!" he laughed, another snort punctuating the comment when his vision swam a little, blurring the flickery lights even if he was lying down. Puck was signing then, but Blaine was finding it harder and harder to concentrate on his surroundings.

"Dude... my dads were gay. Fuck Rachel, my dads were just as gay as hers! I wasn't even, like adopted and shit either. I mean, my two dads didn't make me or nothing, but one of 'em did. And my mom. My mom is way cool, but she doesn't live here. She lives somewhere else. But my gays dads were awesome. 'least, they were until one died. He died of HIV and everyone thinks being gay means you have that, but it's not even true. I don't have it, and my dad doesn't have it. He thought if I was gay, I would get it, tough. That's fucked up, hey? My own dad thought I was gonna get HIV 'caused I like dick. And you know what? I dunno if I do even like dick. Like, dick dick. I like looking at dick, but I only ever seen, like, pictures... and porn, 'cause my dick is the only dick I've really seen for real. But I wanna see Kurt's one day. I should ask to see his dick!" he cried, as if it was the best idea in the whole world. He tried to sit up, but his head spun violently and he nearly threw up on the spot, so he put his hands over his eyes. "Wh-oa... feel sick..."

[alloriginalgradeabadass]

"Well, no, dude... I don't wanna collect boobs and put 'em all on one chick! Dontcha see?! I want all the chicks ever with all the boobs ever and just... Lotsa boobs. But 's okay you don't like 'em. I like 'em enough for the both of us." Although he couldn't help the laughter at the thought of a chick with a bunch of boobs.

"What fuckers?!" Puck asked, suddenly indignant... right before Blaine's sassy gay stoner side shone through and Puck lost control in another giggle. "Some fuckers wanted you to die? Fuck them! You can't die 'cause you're fucking Blaine fucking Anderson, dude! But you seem normal... I mean, besides the whole dancing in a blazer thing, but hey, it landed you a dude and some awesome bros, so I guess it's okay... So they must've not fucked your whole brain up forever."

"Yeah, yeah, I know! I know you had two dads, only you only have one now, and that sucks... Why does your dad think likin' dick's gonna give you HIV? He likes dick! He even liked your other dad's dick that had HIV and he doesn't have it! It's dumb, because gay dudes can't even donate blood! I know, 'cause my mom's a nurse, and she said it one time... That it was stupid that gay guys couldn't donate blood. And I didn't even know they couldn't. That's just dumb." Pausing, he tilted his head to look at Blaine. "You can't ask to see Kurt's dick yet, dude! Kurt would bitchslap you for doing it while you were high anyway. He's all about romantic... stuff... You know? Flowers and candy and nice shit. "Dude! Don't get sick. That's not cool... Your dad's gonna kill me already 'cause I gaved you... gave you weed. WEEEEED! But... Do you like it? I mean weed? Even if you wanna barf now, 'cause sometimes people do!"

[rockstarwarbler]

The whole boob concept was entirely lost on Blaine. He never much thought about them, never really wondered about them, let alone feel like he wanted to bother with them enough to collect them. He gave a slight shrug. "Dunno. Don't even really not like 'em, just don't really care much about 'em. They're just boobs. I like girls, but I don't wanna touch their boobs ever. Or even, like, look at 'em." There was no doubt about it that Blaine really was 100% gay. There wasn't an attraction to females at all, and even when he was trying to be bi with Rachel in a last-ditch attempt to make his dad happy, there hadn't been any physical interest. Just agreeing to a date because she asked him. There was no thinking of her body or her boobs, just a lot of wishing he was out with Kurt instead and a little perving on the lead actor's butt in the show they saw together.

The conversation too a sobering turn for Blaine and the sass was gone in favour of him just going cross-eyed as he looked up at the ceiling and tried to focus on it. "Why wouldn't I be normal?" he eventually asked, not sure what Puck meant by that part of his comment. "You mean my head? 'Cause they smashed it in? Dunno. Happened over a year ago now. Got better and shit..." Mostly. He did still have the scars and emotional baggage of it all. Plus migraines that were a bitch when they hit.

He also had no idea why Puck was talking about blood. "Not giving blood ever anyway. Like, ever. I hate blood. Blood makes me puke. So do needles. Hate blood and needles. Don't want anyone sticking needles in me to take blood either. That's, like, the worst shit ever right there and I don't even care about the fucking gay with that. Just... no. Fuck off with needles and blood. I want dicks. Dicks, dicks, dicks! Dicks all the time, no needles! Just dicks. And balls. Balls are cool. I like my balls, but never touched any other balls. Do all balls feel the same? I don't even know..." His head was spinning and he had no idea what was even honestly coming out of his mouth except the fact words did still keep coming out. Like that time he farted in class accidentally when he didn't mean to and then got teased for it. Like everyone didn't fart. "Everyone farts, you know. Sick... I feel sick, head hurts like loads... spinnin'..."

[alloriginalgradeabadass]

While Puck didn't understand the concept of not liking boobs, he completely accepted it in Blaine. Until recent years, he'd always been kind of a jerk to the gay kids at school, or gay kid more precisely, because it wasn't exactly like there were many of them living it up out and proud in Lima, Ohio. Just Kurt, and Puck had been a prized dick to him over the years. Until meeting Blaine and falling in bromantic love with him had changed all of that. The pair of them were the most opposite people ever, but somehow, it all worked. It was pretty much the ultimate in chalk and cheese. "Dude... You can have all the gay awesome in the world, and I'll take all the boobs, and then we'll rock everything between the two of us." That made absolutely perfect sense in Puck's mind, and he was quite proud of himself for the idea.

Blaine's question caught Puck off guard, completely having forgotten why they were talking about whether or not Blaine was normal. He glanced over at his friend in puzzlement until Blaine remembered that they were talking about his head, and went on to remind Puck of that fact as well. "Yeah... I'm glad it got better. Because it's a pretty normal looking head now... Is that why you have to wear gel in your hair? Cuz... Yeah... No, that's dumb. It's not really a gel helmet or you wouldn't be able to wash your hair." Still, the idea of someone hurting Blaine made even a high Puck angry. "I woulda beat their asses for you, dude," he added, almost as an afterthought.

"But it's nice to give blood," Puck pointed out with a solemn nod. "Because, like... some people need it and shit. Like when they get hurt in accidents and stuff." Pausing, Puck tried to reason that one out in his mind, and it just wasn't working. "What's dicks got to do with blood? Because I don't want my dick to blood... bleed. I don't want it to bleed." He shrugged broad shoulders as he looked over at Blaine with a major look of confusion. "I don't know. I figure they all feel like balls... Just some are bigger and some are smaller. I got balls, but I only ever touched my own. How would I know if they all feel the same?" Puck had to snicker at that, and suddenly took off on a farting parody of REM: "Everybody faaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaarts sometiiiiiiiiiiimes!" He grinned broadly, quite satisfied with himself when Blaine suddenly announced that he felt sick. "Dude, do you wanna go to the bathroom so you can puke... Or like... TRASHCAN! You got a trashcan right here." And with that, Puck lifted said trashcan from the floor by the bed. "Right here! Dude, this ain't the trashcan where you through your jerk tissues is it?"

[rockstarwarbler]

Blaine didn't know if he wanted to be sick or maybe even pass out. He just knew the room was really, really spinning all of a sudden and he was trying to lie as still as he could through it, hoping it would stop really soon. He kept his hand nursed over one side of his forehead, honestly believing it might fall off because it felt like it was going to. Was his head actually spinning? Maybe it was like The Exorcist? "I don't know if I like weed so much..." he decided. "I think I even like it less than I like boobs. Plus? I don't really want all the gay awesome. I just want Kurt's gay awesome. He's the best gay awesome, that's all I want... dude, is my head spinnin'? It feels like it's all, like, spinnin'..."

He stayed silent at all the comments about his head or even his hair then. He didn't know if Puck was meaning to be a jerk about his hair, but it did kind of hurt to hear he thought it looked like a helmet, and he suddenly didn't want to talk about any of that anymore. It always hurt and Puck didn't seem to understand what Blaine was saying. Maybe he just thought it was like a fight in a school hall or something? Who knew. All Blaine knew was that he didn't want to talk about it now. So he didn't.

Instead, he just focused on trying not to throw up all over himself. Puck was asking questions Blaine didn't know the answers to anyway. The blood thing had something to do with HIV, he knew that. He probably should know more considering his other dad died of it, but he didn't know all the technicalities. He hadn't had sex with anyone, so he didn't have diseases, but he was gay and still not allowed to give blood. But he wouldn't want to, because he really did hate it. "Dunno. Just glad some people did so I didn't have to die and stuff. Dyin' woulda been worse than a bleedin' dick. I can't move, 'cause my head is gonna fall off." But then he frowned a little. "Where else am I gonna throw them?"